faith

recently, jack asked me how did i know if this sudden spiritualism is not because of jana and if one day (touchwood!) when our relationship is no more, will i still be as spiritual? i wished to say that the answer is a resounding "yes" but quite honestly i would not know. aferall, who knows the future but God? i'd be lying if i said that the question has never crossed my mind before but that is all it was..just a passing thought. it may seem like i am being ignorant and simply avoiding the matter but why prophecise something which may not happen? this is the faith i have in God and in my relationship...

so what is faith? the only place where faith is tangible is in your heart which is why you just have to believe it (whether love or religion or anything else) with all your heart..knowingly, yet blindly at the same time. you have to know what you believe in, else your faith is useless because you are believing in nothing in particular..which also means you have absolutely no idea what you are putting your faith in. at the same time, one has to be blind in faith..because faith is intangible and unexplainable anywhere else other than in your heart. if you tried to put a "practical" reasoning to faith, chances are you will either fail, end up confusing yourself or lose faith altogether.

there is this common misconception that people with lots of faith, are just plain ignorant and stubborn in their beliefs. let me just illustrate how wrong this is. for example, in a relationship, you love the other person knowingly but at the same time blindly (not ignorantly). obviously you have to know that person before you get together with him/her but what people miss out is the "blindly" part..in a relationship, the moment you "open your eyes" and question things like:

1. "i cannot pinpoint why exactly i love him/her" or
2. "is there someone out there more suited for me?" or
3. "will he/she be better off without me?"

you open your eyes up to the practical world where your definition of "true love" comes from the movies and the questions will be neverending.

1. there have to be reasons why you love someone, but there is no such thing as an "exact" reason because everyone changes..love means you adapt and accept these changes. if you are with someone because of just one specific reason, chances are, you are likely to end up disappointed very soon.

2. yes, there are definitely a lot more people out there who are more suited for you..to which also begs the question, how much is enough and when do you know when you find the one "most" suited for you? it is a neverending search.

3. similar to (2), there is no "perfect match" for anyone..if he/she loves you, that person will be worse off without you.

that being said, one should not turn a blind eye to problems in a relationship..that'd just be plain ignorance! i always believe problems are meant to be resolved..the more problems a couple resolve together, the stronger the relationship becomes...

different people have their own reasons, explanations and philosopies on love..just because you do not adhere to their theories does not mean your relationship is doomed. everyone has a different route, everyone has a different experience but there is always that one common denominator..that is faith.

back to the question by jack, while i do not have the answer for the future..i can confidently answer for the present and say that i have fullest faith in God, in jana and in our relationship. whatever happens in the future, will happen..in the meantime, i am just enjoying my renewed faith in God and in love..and that for me, is enough.

a righteous return

after much consideration, i have decided to return to manpower..this, despite my initial skepticism and a hope that something with singtel may work out (oh yeah, i finally made contact with their hr department after like over 50 resumes of trying! and yes it actually exists! was quite tempted to plant a flag in their office when i was there for my interview!). i know all this may just turn out to be a political ploy and that i am just a missing piece on the chessboard..but my conscience is clear and i trust God to do the right thing for me.

my initial worries stemmed from a concern that my return will definitely spell the end for another person and from an arrogance that i was better than her. then i realised that i was wrong on both counts. firstly, my return has nothing to do with this other person and my being there does not mean for sure that she is doomed; if she is good and wishes to stay, no one can make her leave. secondly, i do not know her well enough to judge if i am indeed better; everything i have heard about her is from others.

now regarding my return, some people may say this is a will of God and others may ask, how do you know? well, this i say to you, "God will always provide..He provides options when we need them and He provides answers when we ask." God shows the way but the choice is always ultimately our own.

the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
- Psalm 23:1-3

third time lucky?

there is this chinese saying that goes "a good horse does not eat the grass behind it". two times this year i've suffered setbacks based on this saying. now a third time has come calling...

should i tempt fate one more time?

my blessed life

it's funny that despite my second successive failed career move this year i feel so very at ease this time round as compared to the previous failure at react pte ltd. while i was depressed and confused when i left react, there is this feeling that all things are in control this time. praise God. and as if to reassure me that He is indeed watching over me, i received three phone calls for job opportunities on my very last day at emc; two of which were uninitiated by me (i.e. i did not apply for those positions). now even if all three calls turn out to be nothing more, i know that God is still there for me and it is only right that i keep faith in Him just as He is keeping faith in me.

i have always led a blessed and relatively smooth sailing life..but i have not always been appreciative of the things - big and small - that i have been blessed with; a loving and supportive family, great friends, a healthy body, a sensitive nature, a glib tongue among others. that is not even mentioning the various life threatening instances which i have encountered and came away unscathed. thank God as well for jana, without whom, i'd probably be still wandering aimlessly in life - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. what is amazing is all this started out with the simple intention to support jana spiritually (which was not as simple a step as it sounds!). recently, jana and i have started praying together and i can feel His hand working in our lives and our relationship all the time - making us stronger as individuals and as a couple and guiding us along. praise God. i know for sure, there will be obstacles up ahead which will put my faith to the test but just as sure, i know He will always reach out for me and welcome me back.

God works in ways which we can never comprehend but each and every one of His work is intended and a miracle in itself - no matter how small or ordinary. this is my testimony. praise God indeed. for indeed, i have been blessed.