today, my vendor told me that she liked the advertisement i designed so much she put it up on her office wall for display! i was like "wah!" (luckily there is this thing called gravity! :P)..but of course i did not "wah!" in front of her la..that's like so rude right?
what i actually did was say "thank you", smile and asked her if she wanted an autograph copy!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
x-men: the advanced generation
the secret has been hidden for ages..not even the creators of the x-men series or for that matter, professor x are aware of it. a new breed of x-men and x-women have surfaced, surviving outside the comic strips, blending into normal human society. yes, it's true..these "mutants" have been spotted utilising their special powers to do extraordinary things! the only way to recognise them is through their powers, some of which hold certain resemblance to the original x-men's. their new hideout is hidden under the guise of a lower class bustling work area that's none other than..tanjong pagar!
while there is no possible way of identifying every single species of these mutants living among us, here are the more common and easily recognisable ones...
powers similar to:
"cyclops"
most commonly spotted:
inside lifts
(localised) code name:
"cy(ber)-cocks"
this variation of cyclops is certainly more powerful than the original..not only does cy-cocks not require that fancy looking goggle to keep "its" powers under control, "it" fires "its" rays without you even seeing the rays! "it" is usually found right at the front of the building lifts.
how do you identify it?:
wait till the lift doors are nearly closing, then rush in..when you're inside after barely escaping the closing lift doors, turn to the right or left (whichever applicable)..there "it" will be..arms folded (or sometimes by the side), intently firing "its" rays at the "open" button just so that you do not get squashed by the doors! there are times when i felt that "it" should act faster and i stare at "it" to show my displeasure but then i realise that i will never win..if "it" stares back at me, i am finished!
powers similar to:
"jean grey"
most commonly spotted:
during extremely sunny or rainy weather
(localised) code name:
"jin gray" (hokkien for really or extremely gray)
compared to the original jean grey, jin gray is definitely less powerful..not only does "it" require a weapon, "it" depends highly on seasonal weather changes to utilise "its" powers (see "most commonly spotted").
how do you identify it?:
during really sunny or rainy days, as you are walking..suddenly "it" will whip out "its" weapon (usually disguised as an umbrella) and cast a force-field around "itself" sending people scurrying out of "its" way! i am to believe "it" has trained to a certain level that "its" force-field is able to hold off an entire building should the building collapse..just look at the number of force-fields being cast indoors these days and you will know what i mean..we humans are not so easily fooled, surely a normal umbrella cannot withstand the weight of an entire building right?
powers similar to:
"gambit"
most commonly spotted:
during lunch hour
(localised) code name:
"can't beat"
this is the most common and as its localised name implies, also one powerful breed of mutant during the peak of "its" powers..possessing trades very similar to the original gambit. however, due to singapore's legislation on gambling in public and needing to keep a low profile, instead of playing cards, can't beat's weapons of choice are "its" tissue packs! just like gambit, can't beat's powers though impressive are extremely limited.
how do you identify it?:
the story behind "its" name comes from the way "it" attacks..i am sure many of us have fallen victim to "its" attacks before! during lunch hour, have you ever approached a table (with no one even remotely near you) and next thing you know..you get hit by a tissue pack thrown by can't beat! and that's why "it" is named that because "it" always seems to beat you to a table no matter how faraway "it" is..and if you think all "it" does is throw tissue packs around, try removing one of "its" tissue packs and watch "it" explode in your face! apparently, this strain is highly contagious and infects anyone who comes in contact with "its" tissue..thus explaining how even most normal humans are coming to master this skill!
now if you see any of the above mutants around, do not panic, stay calm..they are mostly harmless unless provoked! last i heard, a higher class breed of x-men and x-women have been spotted in raffles place!
while there is no possible way of identifying every single species of these mutants living among us, here are the more common and easily recognisable ones...
powers similar to:
"cyclops"
most commonly spotted:
inside lifts
(localised) code name:
"cy(ber)-cocks"
this variation of cyclops is certainly more powerful than the original..not only does cy-cocks not require that fancy looking goggle to keep "its" powers under control, "it" fires "its" rays without you even seeing the rays! "it" is usually found right at the front of the building lifts.
how do you identify it?:
wait till the lift doors are nearly closing, then rush in..when you're inside after barely escaping the closing lift doors, turn to the right or left (whichever applicable)..there "it" will be..arms folded (or sometimes by the side), intently firing "its" rays at the "open" button just so that you do not get squashed by the doors! there are times when i felt that "it" should act faster and i stare at "it" to show my displeasure but then i realise that i will never win..if "it" stares back at me, i am finished!
powers similar to:
"jean grey"
most commonly spotted:
during extremely sunny or rainy weather
(localised) code name:
"jin gray" (hokkien for really or extremely gray)
compared to the original jean grey, jin gray is definitely less powerful..not only does "it" require a weapon, "it" depends highly on seasonal weather changes to utilise "its" powers (see "most commonly spotted").
how do you identify it?:
during really sunny or rainy days, as you are walking..suddenly "it" will whip out "its" weapon (usually disguised as an umbrella) and cast a force-field around "itself" sending people scurrying out of "its" way! i am to believe "it" has trained to a certain level that "its" force-field is able to hold off an entire building should the building collapse..just look at the number of force-fields being cast indoors these days and you will know what i mean..we humans are not so easily fooled, surely a normal umbrella cannot withstand the weight of an entire building right?
powers similar to:
"gambit"
most commonly spotted:
during lunch hour
(localised) code name:
"can't beat"
this is the most common and as its localised name implies, also one powerful breed of mutant during the peak of "its" powers..possessing trades very similar to the original gambit. however, due to singapore's legislation on gambling in public and needing to keep a low profile, instead of playing cards, can't beat's weapons of choice are "its" tissue packs! just like gambit, can't beat's powers though impressive are extremely limited.
how do you identify it?:
the story behind "its" name comes from the way "it" attacks..i am sure many of us have fallen victim to "its" attacks before! during lunch hour, have you ever approached a table (with no one even remotely near you) and next thing you know..you get hit by a tissue pack thrown by can't beat! and that's why "it" is named that because "it" always seems to beat you to a table no matter how faraway "it" is..and if you think all "it" does is throw tissue packs around, try removing one of "its" tissue packs and watch "it" explode in your face! apparently, this strain is highly contagious and infects anyone who comes in contact with "its" tissue..thus explaining how even most normal humans are coming to master this skill!
now if you see any of the above mutants around, do not panic, stay calm..they are mostly harmless unless provoked! last i heard, a higher class breed of x-men and x-women have been spotted in raffles place!
squeaky clean
i happened to pass the speaker's corner at hong lim for the first time recently - well, i have probably passed it by lots of times before but only then did i notice it! - and i was thinking to myself "wah, quite a big space for a 'corner' hor!" it's true, my first impression was that it was spacious, very white (wonder what/who was the inspiration behind the colour coordination, white with more white) and really quite empty.
the initial idea was that people could just walk up to the stage, speak their minds and air their views..and everyone below the stage will nod in agreement and laugh at jokes lamer than mr bean's antics (which coincidentally, seem to happen quite a lot on broadcasts from another clean and white place somewhere near the padang). but they forgot we are singaporeans leh (aka very very very busy people), we will require the speaker's objective and agenda (in ms powerpoint, word or adobe pdf format) before we commit a slot on our very very very busy schedules to listen to a potentially time wasting speech (before we rush off to another very very very important appointment at newton hawker center)!
so in view of the lack of usage i propose we rename the speaker's corner as...
the spueaker's corner
...whereby our little furry friends can raise more pressing issues like...
1) downgrading
- with the increasing number of human activities moving underground (underground expressways, underground carparks, underground mrt lines, underground swimming pools (which may not be such a bad thing) etc.), the rodent community are forced to move further down...
2) mickey and minnie
- a discussion on the sensibility of upholding two mouse idolised by humans - who squeak in a foreign tongue and whose fashion senses have stagnated for decades - as ideal role models for the rodent youths...
3) ratatouille
- a forum to educate the rodent community on the essence of good food and discourage the consumption of garbage (accompanied by an educational video called.."ratatouille")...
however, i also do foresee that the national environment agency will violently object and throw out my idea without as much as a squeak..due to well, environmental concerns..infestation, i believe they call it.
so until any changes, the speaker's corner waits patiently for its first speaker who...
1) isn't "assisted" off-stage
2) actually have an audience
3) isn't dressed to complement its background
the initial idea was that people could just walk up to the stage, speak their minds and air their views..and everyone below the stage will nod in agreement and laugh at jokes lamer than mr bean's antics (which coincidentally, seem to happen quite a lot on broadcasts from another clean and white place somewhere near the padang). but they forgot we are singaporeans leh (aka very very very busy people), we will require the speaker's objective and agenda (in ms powerpoint, word or adobe pdf format) before we commit a slot on our very very very busy schedules to listen to a potentially time wasting speech (before we rush off to another very very very important appointment at newton hawker center)!
so in view of the lack of usage i propose we rename the speaker's corner as...
...whereby our little furry friends can raise more pressing issues like...
1) downgrading
- with the increasing number of human activities moving underground (underground expressways, underground carparks, underground mrt lines, underground swimming pools (which may not be such a bad thing) etc.), the rodent community are forced to move further down...
2) mickey and minnie
- a discussion on the sensibility of upholding two mouse idolised by humans - who squeak in a foreign tongue and whose fashion senses have stagnated for decades - as ideal role models for the rodent youths...
3) ratatouille
- a forum to educate the rodent community on the essence of good food and discourage the consumption of garbage (accompanied by an educational video called.."ratatouille")...
however, i also do foresee that the national environment agency will violently object and throw out my idea without as much as a squeak..due to well, environmental concerns..infestation, i believe they call it.
so until any changes, the speaker's corner waits patiently for its first speaker who...
1) isn't "assisted" off-stage
2) actually have an audience
3) isn't dressed to complement its background
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
GERMS
in continuation from my previous post..a funny thought just occurred to me..since we have the GEMS (Go-the-Extra-Mile for Service) Service Awards to recognise and promote good service standards, why not introduce a GERMS Awards? Oh, in case you're wondering what GERMS stand for...
G arbage
E ntities with
R eally
M iserable
S ervice
someone call in the doctor! there are GERMS to be exterminated!
G arbage
E ntities with
R eally
M iserable
S ervice
someone call in the doctor! there are GERMS to be exterminated!
Monday, October 08, 2007
uncivil-lies
after talking about our country's "civilised" people, i would like to focus now on the other side - the un-civilised people! no no no..we are not talking about everyone else who is working in the private sector. rather, not sure if anyone noticed but there is a new circus in town..with a full complement of clowns, monkeys, elephants and vultures (yeah vultures, new age circus mah..). you must have heard/seen the name somewhere before..no? but surely you must have received a phone call telling you some friend (who usually chooses to remain anonymous!) has referred you to perform in the circus? no? that cannot be TRUE! ok even if you've not heard of it before, let me tell you about my experience with this circus..
first they kept calling me, asking me down for a two weeks trial..initially i was skeptical but by the second call i thought "why not? since i had always been interested to take up yoga. maybe the circus can teach me a trick or two about flexibility.." and so i went down to take a look.
when i reached there, the people were friendly enough and i was brought around the place where i was introduced to the various acts and the trainers..i was getting more and more interested..however, due to financial reasons, i didn't want to commit to it yet..so after explaining that i was just there to take a look and rejecting the offer numerous times, the head clown came to see me and tried to explain to me why even broke people should spend ridiculous amounts of money to look good (now you want to be bankrupt, better look good first! do you really want to look like crap in your bankruptcy photo?)! i was losing my patience and i just wanted to get out of there so i told the clown in a matter-of-fact way that i just was not keen. to which the head clown (this is the best part) raised his voice at me "then why are you here? don't waste my time!" now that was TRUEly great hospitality! it's like someone invites you to visit his house but when you arrive without the 42 inch, hi-definition, hi-resolution, hi-tech, hi-whatever plasma television, he asks you "then why are you here? don't waste my time! fuck off!"
i was pissed mad..but when i got home i felt much better..i was not alone!
if we thought mosquitoes are pests (at least they do not tell us to "fuck off!" or if they do, we don't understand so that's fine as well!), this circus is a different breed altogether..so since we have the "if you let them breed, you will bleed" dengue campaign..maybe we should start a new campaign with slogans like..
if you think TRUE is cool, you have no clue
or be cool, don't TRUE
or don't TRUE your money away
don't get me wrong..i have nothing against gym, yoga or fitness memberships..in fact if anyone wants to get fit/keep fit, these places are usually nice and cosy for a good workout..but what i do have a problem with is pressure selling and such hooliganism (which apparently, you will encounter with most other fitness clubs as well)..so my advice is, before you even step into a fitness club, check online and ask around your friends..decide that you want to join, then step in..you're more likely to avoid all the nastiness and the fake-niceness that way..just as long as you don't expect even economy class customer service after you have signed up!
now where's my 42 inch plasma?
first they kept calling me, asking me down for a two weeks trial..initially i was skeptical but by the second call i thought "why not? since i had always been interested to take up yoga. maybe the circus can teach me a trick or two about flexibility.." and so i went down to take a look.
when i reached there, the people were friendly enough and i was brought around the place where i was introduced to the various acts and the trainers..i was getting more and more interested..however, due to financial reasons, i didn't want to commit to it yet..so after explaining that i was just there to take a look and rejecting the offer numerous times, the head clown came to see me and tried to explain to me why even broke people should spend ridiculous amounts of money to look good (now you want to be bankrupt, better look good first! do you really want to look like crap in your bankruptcy photo?)! i was losing my patience and i just wanted to get out of there so i told the clown in a matter-of-fact way that i just was not keen. to which the head clown (this is the best part) raised his voice at me "then why are you here? don't waste my time!" now that was TRUEly great hospitality! it's like someone invites you to visit his house but when you arrive without the 42 inch, hi-definition, hi-resolution, hi-tech, hi-whatever plasma television, he asks you "then why are you here? don't waste my time! fuck off!"
i was pissed mad..but when i got home i felt much better..i was not alone!
if we thought mosquitoes are pests (at least they do not tell us to "fuck off!" or if they do, we don't understand so that's fine as well!), this circus is a different breed altogether..so since we have the "if you let them breed, you will bleed" dengue campaign..maybe we should start a new campaign with slogans like..
if you think TRUE is cool, you have no clue
or be cool, don't TRUE
or don't TRUE your money away
don't get me wrong..i have nothing against gym, yoga or fitness memberships..in fact if anyone wants to get fit/keep fit, these places are usually nice and cosy for a good workout..but what i do have a problem with is pressure selling and such hooliganism (which apparently, you will encounter with most other fitness clubs as well)..so my advice is, before you even step into a fitness club, check online and ask around your friends..decide that you want to join, then step in..you're more likely to avoid all the nastiness and the fake-niceness that way..just as long as you don't expect even economy class customer service after you have signed up!
now where's my 42 inch plasma?
Sunday, October 07, 2007
civil lives
recently, there was a pay increment..and even though i wished it was mine, but alas it was not to be. rather it was for the people who have sacrificed their lives to serve the country. yes, they are our darling civil servants..without whom, we'd have no rice on our plates (i know singapore has no padi fields but if they don't approve the imported rice, we would have no rice to eat!), no roofs over our heads (we pay for it of course, but if they don't build houses, then pay and pay also no use rite?) and no one to curse at when nothing gets done. don't get me wrong, not ALL civil servants are crap, but when you're on the inside, most will just do as the rest do..basically, nothing!
just a few years back..when i was still "serving the nation", my main job scope was to maintain and repair certain equipment. remember, these are highly important and sensitive tasks upon which our country's freedom depended on!
common scenario
a fault is detected on the highly classified and hi-tech equipment (from another era)
step 1:
officer reports a fault to a specialist a (from department a)
step 2:
specialist a verifies the fault
step 3:
specialist a calls specialist d (from department d, that's my department by the way) to report the fault
step 4:
specialist d verifies the fault (you really need to verify it more than once to ascertain that there is something wrong la!)
step 5:
specialist d calls external vendor to tell them there is a fault on the highly classified and hi-tech equipment
step 6:
external vendor comes down and clears the fault
step 7:
specialist a and specialist d verifies that the fault is cleared (told you we needed to verify it more than once!) and informs officer
step 8:
officer puts down his coffee and resumes normal duties of looking out for faults and singapore is safe again...
if you thought that that sounded like a call center environment, don't even compare..the salary of course!
just a few weeks back, we were holding a charity event to raise funds for refugee children..all donations were to be done via online so no cash was to be accepted..but being the law abiding citizens we were, we thought "better check it out with the charities unit"..and so we did...
i called mcys to enquire if we actually needed a permit for the event and the guy on the other line said have to write in so that he can advise me..over the line cannot advise. and so i wrote him an email. the guy emailed back telling me that we would need a permit..then he followed up with a call (good customer service leh!)...
mcys guy:
have you received my email blah blah blah..everything can be found on the website.
me:
the problem is our event happens within 2 weeks (short of the 30 days application period needed "as stated on the website")..is there anything that can be done?
mcys guy:
sorry..everything can be found on the website. (goodness! am i on gotcha?)
me:
i have already been through the website, that's how i know about the 30 days application period..is there any way to speed up the process?
mcys guy:
in that case, you can send in an application form found on the website and i will help you escalate the case to my superior.
me:
oh, that's great! so how long do you suppose it may take with escalation?
mcys guy:
as stated on the website, it usually takes 30 days...
i seriously wanted to strangle mcys guy right there..i mean, i've heard of word-of-mouth advertising but i never knew mcys was into such an aggressive marketing campaign for its website! but..that wasn't the end...
a few days later, my manager made a call to mcys to verify that we needed a permit..this time, the girl who took the call told us (after checking with her boss apparently) that we would not need a permit from mcys but we needed one from the police..so, we went to the police and enquired..and the police department told us that for such cases, there was no permit needed (the lady even printed out some documents and pointed out the clauses which said so)..fantastic! another few days later, the police called and told us that sorry but in fact we would require a permit..but from mcys...
if you're still wondering why they are paid such high salaries, it is pretty obvious isn't it? honestly they work so hard. when even such straightforward things become so complicated, who's to say they don't deserve their pay increment?
friday, 05 october 2007
The Campaign To Confer The Public Service Star On JBJ
@ drama centre theatre with karen
essentially it is a play taking an alternative (and hilarious) look at the political situation in singapore. acted out by just pam oei (dim sum dollies) and rodney oliveiro, the duo takes on a variety of characters through ultra quick costume changes. the humour while funny at times became sort-of tiring towards the end, or probably karen and i were tiring after a long week...
one joke i remember quite fondly is when rodney played a police officer and he said "nowadays everything is so complicated. this can this cannot. this maybe can maybe cannot. last time was so much easier. everything cannot!"
so let us be grateful for all things that "can", shall we?
just a few years back..when i was still "serving the nation", my main job scope was to maintain and repair certain equipment. remember, these are highly important and sensitive tasks upon which our country's freedom depended on!
common scenario
a fault is detected on the highly classified and hi-tech equipment (from another era)
step 1:
officer reports a fault to a specialist a (from department a)
step 2:
specialist a verifies the fault
step 3:
specialist a calls specialist d (from department d, that's my department by the way) to report the fault
step 4:
specialist d verifies the fault (you really need to verify it more than once to ascertain that there is something wrong la!)
step 5:
specialist d calls external vendor to tell them there is a fault on the highly classified and hi-tech equipment
step 6:
external vendor comes down and clears the fault
step 7:
specialist a and specialist d verifies that the fault is cleared (told you we needed to verify it more than once!) and informs officer
step 8:
officer puts down his coffee and resumes normal duties of looking out for faults and singapore is safe again...
if you thought that that sounded like a call center environment, don't even compare..the salary of course!
just a few weeks back, we were holding a charity event to raise funds for refugee children..all donations were to be done via online so no cash was to be accepted..but being the law abiding citizens we were, we thought "better check it out with the charities unit"..and so we did...
i called mcys to enquire if we actually needed a permit for the event and the guy on the other line said have to write in so that he can advise me..over the line cannot advise. and so i wrote him an email. the guy emailed back telling me that we would need a permit..then he followed up with a call (good customer service leh!)...
mcys guy:
have you received my email blah blah blah..everything can be found on the website.
me:
the problem is our event happens within 2 weeks (short of the 30 days application period needed "as stated on the website")..is there anything that can be done?
mcys guy:
sorry..everything can be found on the website. (goodness! am i on gotcha?)
me:
i have already been through the website, that's how i know about the 30 days application period..is there any way to speed up the process?
mcys guy:
in that case, you can send in an application form found on the website and i will help you escalate the case to my superior.
me:
oh, that's great! so how long do you suppose it may take with escalation?
mcys guy:
as stated on the website, it usually takes 30 days...
i seriously wanted to strangle mcys guy right there..i mean, i've heard of word-of-mouth advertising but i never knew mcys was into such an aggressive marketing campaign for its website! but..that wasn't the end...
a few days later, my manager made a call to mcys to verify that we needed a permit..this time, the girl who took the call told us (after checking with her boss apparently) that we would not need a permit from mcys but we needed one from the police..so, we went to the police and enquired..and the police department told us that for such cases, there was no permit needed (the lady even printed out some documents and pointed out the clauses which said so)..fantastic! another few days later, the police called and told us that sorry but in fact we would require a permit..but from mcys...
if you're still wondering why they are paid such high salaries, it is pretty obvious isn't it? honestly they work so hard. when even such straightforward things become so complicated, who's to say they don't deserve their pay increment?
friday, 05 october 2007
The Campaign To Confer The Public Service Star On JBJ@ drama centre theatre with karen
essentially it is a play taking an alternative (and hilarious) look at the political situation in singapore. acted out by just pam oei (dim sum dollies) and rodney oliveiro, the duo takes on a variety of characters through ultra quick costume changes. the humour while funny at times became sort-of tiring towards the end, or probably karen and i were tiring after a long week...
one joke i remember quite fondly is when rodney played a police officer and he said "nowadays everything is so complicated. this can this cannot. this maybe can maybe cannot. last time was so much easier. everything cannot!"
so let us be grateful for all things that "can", shall we?
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